No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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