i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
