so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
