so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
