A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
