u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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