I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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