he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
