It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
