i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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