I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
