I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
