How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
