its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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