I am spending my child support on dildos
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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