I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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