Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
