nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just gargled with NyQuil
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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