I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
