Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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