she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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