and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
