the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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