Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
