So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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