i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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