My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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