yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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