the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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