Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He felt like a one man threesome
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
