It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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