I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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