Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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