I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
