The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
