Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess