Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
