i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
