How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
