If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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