I murdered the dance floor call the cops
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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