I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
