He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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