So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
