I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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