it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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