Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
