Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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