I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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