YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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