he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
