So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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