Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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