i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
