The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
