I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
