u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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