just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
