our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I still have a little drunk in my system
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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