Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
